But when I looked underneath all of it, I knew that something was up. Why so much reluctance? Why so much stalling? Why so much distraction? I sat down and the voice said, "I don't want this right now." The notion of full-time work overwhelmed me, because I didn't have sufficient energy reserves. I wanted to work on myself first, at least a little bit. So I went to therapy. Although I went there for a few sessions, it still propelled me further - things became more salient and my anger and pain more tangible. It was good, because tapping into some of it allowed me to observe how I let them ruin my life. As a result of my past (and some present), I got lost in fears. I've been a slave to fears with occasional revolts, which later plunged me back into fears again. How impactful and successful would I have been, if I pushed through my fears with more zeal, I thought. After all, I have all it takes to be one of the strongest counselors. I do. Yet, I fear and I doubt - these are the toxic voices from the past. Then I started to doubt if counseling was my thing, if I should be doing something else. I traveled back to my memories of being a strong musician, who had amazing prospects. Should I resume? But the thought of it doesn't light the candle from within. All I hear is crickets or maybe even the crickets are dead. No, there's a reason why I quit my music career - my heart lies in psychology. See, even writing this word just made me smile :-)
Ahh, that's why I had little energy - fears and doubts have been draining all the juices out of me! I expect so much from myself and think that others expect the same (voice from the past) that it's been paralyzing me. If only I could tap into the power underneath my fears... and, you know, I can! Days go by, life is moving forward, and I'm still sitting here, paralyzed. I don't want that. This is not why I came here. Remember and start believing the things people have said about you for years: "Evelyn, you will be such an amazing counselor!" "Evelyn, you have a powerful reserve that the world is waiting for - it's a mystical reserve," "Evelyn, I don't know why but I trust you, you make me feel comfortable," etc. Suddenly, I don't feel that drained anymore. Suddenly, I do want to get a job and just do ME. I'm good enough and then I'm gonna get better and better.
Now onto another bout of job search. I'm not blocking myself that much anymore. Life isn't stupid - it gives you what you allow. Sometimes, you think that you allow, but you don't, which is why it's not given to you. I have a feeling that things will go differently now.
P.S. I heard a voice in my head, "Evelyn, people don't display their insecurities publicly, especially about their careers or abilities. On the contrary - people pretend confidence, pretend competence, pretend that they believe in their believing. Too much honesty isn't a good portrayal of you to the world." Then another voice said, "And there you go, falling prey to the system again. Although it's important to focus on strengths, this blog isn't meant for fakeness - it's meant for sharing an honest and, sometimes, a tumultuous journey. They don't have to approve of it or like it. Right people at the right time with right intentions will help you to get to the right places." And that's that.